I am so angry–
Anger has become a primary emotion for me when it has not been for MANY years
I am angry that I am grieving the loss of my Grandmother in the middle of all this shit
I am angry that I am watching my friends lose their jobs in a blink of an eye
I am angry that I just started teaching yoga full-time and now am left with the uncertainty of when I will have income again
I am angry that I am watching men and women that worked so hard to build their dream with either a name they created or with a name they fought for and are paying for (IE: Hilton, Marriott, Hyatt) are watching those dreams wash away in a matter of a few days
I am angry that people believe they are above this virus either because they believe they are young and healthy or because they believe they live a better life than the next
I am angry I have found myself being judgmental
I am angry that I am grieving the fact I just launched my website for keeping yourself mentally and physically healthy while on the
I am angry that I am grieving the fact I just launched my website for keeping yourself mentally and physically healthy while on the road… Well who the fuck is going to be traveling anytime soon or worried about that
I am so grateful -
My gratitude runs deeper and always brings me back and allows the anger to melt away
I am grateful I have been able to take this time to be quiet, process my own thoughts with no outside influences
I am grateful for my therapist that tells me how it is whenever I need it
I am grateful for the time to finally read all the books I stockpiled for years
I am grateful of all the people that surround me
I am grateful I established my dream home in my dream location
I am grateful I set myself up a few years ago that I have been able to maintain being debit free with a small savings
I am grateful I can sit quietly and remember everything my Grandmother taught me and ensure I am bringing that through even more now
I am grateful I can do yoga virtually with so many amazing teachers I have not been able to practice with in so many years Sol Gathering Wellness and Pink Lotus Yoga
I am grateful being able to use technology to draw my circle in closer & add more people along the way
I am grateful for my body
I am grateful the earth can heal
For over a week now I have been sitting with being either angry or complete sadness. These emotions may be interchangeable, but the reasons why were the same. I used to say, with a chuckle, if people would just act right…. Well fuck, literally right now if people would just act right. One of my favorite sayings is “save to draft” meaning do not put anything out there without sitting on it first to ensure it is not emotionally fueled. Well, I am emotionally fueled and am unsure when that will stop. You know what? That is okay. It is okay to spend your days not organizing your pantry or working on the greatest masterpiece ever. It is okay to be angry, sad, resentful, scared, all the feelings.
I felt like I was going through the stages of grief early last week. I had just started interviewing for jobs to get back into the hotel industry. Honestly, some I had turned down. thank goodness because I would have been the first to go or been in office during this time and my panic would have not made me successful. I was also finding my groove as a yoga teacher. All of this came to a screeching halt. My friends were losing their jobs or were having to lay-off people that had been their “family” members for years. Then the icing on my cake was my Grandmother passed away. The stages of grief started all over ago, this time for a whole other reason.
Close to a decade now I have lived in gratitude. This is not a buzz word for me, I truly will end each day being grateful for whatever experiences I had that day, what I was facing or just for the pure fact I was where I was in that moment in time. This has not changed through these last couple weeks.
I did not want to just throw all those emotions into this universe without a solution. I sat on this for days figuring what how I could build off this. You know what, each day is different. Some days I wake up and I just sit with all the feelings and other days I do not stop moving because I do not want to sit with them all. Yesterday I did yoga, took a bike ride and came back and manually started turning the soil in my garden. Today, I have read, and I will work in the garden again and woke with the strong desire to do a new vision board this way I am look towards the future.
This all to say you are not alone. I am grateful, I am sad, I am angry and some days I feel it all.